How to Write a Blog Post in Ten Easy Steps

1. Give yourself an assignment. Find a chunk of time to write, then sit down at your computer. Don’t stress; the words will come! Besides, time is on your side.
2. An hour went by already, but no need to panic. It’s just a bit of writer’s block. Remember that you have to do a load of laundry. You’ll be able to think more clearly once the laundry is done.
3. Sit down again. You’d be ALL OVER that post, but you just remembered you need to clean out your refrigerator. There’s a weird smell coming from it, and you know it’s probably that jar of kimchi your sister left in there a few weeks ago. Yup, you’re pretty sure it probably expired and now you have to go check on it. How could you possibly focus and write knowing it’s in there just rotting away, upsetting the chi of your home?  Really you’re doing everyone in the house a favor here, tossing expired stuff. You’ll get back to writing that piece in no time.
4. Finish cleaning the fridge and take out the trash, because – WOW! – you found ketchup in there from 2011. You’ll sit back down and write as soon as you come back inside. Good thing you have this nice big chunk of time to write!
5. Ahh, back in your chair. Now it’s time to get comfortable and get started on your post. Hey, you know what would really help your creative juices? If you made yourself a cup of tea. Not just any cup of tea, you slacker; you have to make that cup that your sister-in-law told you about, the one where you grind all those spices and add nice, frothy milk to it, like a chai . Which is stupid because “chai” in India literally just means “tea”, so you really could just pour yourself a Lipton and be done with it, but now that it’s in your head, you can taste that frothy decadence already. There’s no way you aren’t drinking your Americanized chai tea. Besides, it will be just what you need to help you get in the zone. You’ll call it “spiced chai”, since that sounds better and makes you feel more cultured, like you know what you’re talking about. You’ll get to writing just as soon as you sit down with your Spiced Chai.
6. The pot of water is on the stove, so now you can sit down and start writing! Wait a minute – how are you going to froth the milk for your chai? You’d need an espresso machine for that, like one of those ones with the frother on the side. Hang on: is frother even a word? You’ve said it so much that it now sounds ambivalent to you. Maybe you’ll look it up once you sit down and start writing, which you’ll do right after you froth the milk. But you can’t just run out and buy an espresso machine! That would be insane. Try to sit down and write again with a regular cup of Lipton and get over yourself. You’re just as creative with plain old tea, and you don’t even drink espresso. Time to get back to writing.
7. Carefully load your new espresso frothing machine into your car. On the drive home from Bed Bath and Beyond, pat yourself on the back for remembering to bring that coupon, and justify your purchase as a write-off. It doesn’t matter that you don’t drink espresso and that you only bought this bulky machine for the frother, because your dad drinks espresso so he’ll use it when he comes to visit. DUH. You’re so thoughtful, using your writing time to think of others. This will all be worth it for when you write that epic, viral post, which you’ll get back to in no time.
8. Grind the spices. This tea is going to be awesome. Look at you; not only are you a writer, but you’re a goddamn barista. Stir it up and take a nice sip. Now sit down and get to writing!
9. Hmm. That didn’t do it. You can feel the window of writing time closing in on you. Maybe you need an espresso? Good thing you bought that machine. Better make it a double.
10. Ahh, I feel GREAT!! I – wait a minute: I only have eleven minutes left?! How did this happen?? HURRY!! What are you going to write in ELEVEN MINUTES?!?! Writewritewritewritewritewritewritewrite THIS IS THE BEST SHIT I’VE EVER WRITTEN writewritewritewritewrite DAMMIT THE BABY JUST WOKE UP FROM HER NAP writewritewritewritewritewrite WAIT A MINUTE THIS SUCKS deletedeletedeletedeletedelete OK THAT’S BETTER annnnnnnnnnnnd PUBLISH!!!!!!!!!*FACE-PLANTS ONTO KEYBOARD* Now, sit back and wait for the trolls in the comments section. Wait a minute, there are so many typos in this thing – UNPUBLISH! You have to edit! Good thing you have a nice chunk of time tomorrow to devote to your next viral post. So much time, actually, that you could probably even scrape a vanilla bean for added flavor in that spiced chai tea. Now, if only you could find one…

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